Sometimes my daughter, C.N., will come over and poke me in the chest and say, “Boob!” I’m like good vocabulary, toddler, but those things have never done anything for you!
Our problems feeding C.N. began right at the start. I always figured that I would be a veritable milkmaid who exclusively breastfed—or at the very least combo fed. But from the moment baby girl latched on, I was like hell to the fuck no. Babies don’t have teeth yet, but do you know that you can feel their future teeth through their little gums? I didn’t! Anyway, it was excruciating. I tried and tried to breastfeed her when we were in the hospital, but I gave up when I found myself sobbing at 2 in the morning because it hurt so much and I was SO tired.
So we switched her to formula, but the pain didn’t end there: She was refluxy and constantly screaming, so we put her on a super-expensive hypoallergenic formula and gave her reflux meds for a month. An aside—do you know that those meds cost $200? Why?! They’re Tums for babies! Anyway, the meds worked and her reflux settled down, and then it was time to start her on solids and guess what? She turned out to be allergic to peanuts, milk, and eggs.
Guess what’s in everything? Peanuts, milk, and eggs!
I mean not really, but they’re in a lot of things! Plus this was stupid of me in the long term, but in the short term I was afraid to introduce her to lots of new foods because I was tired of hauling her to the hospital, covered in a horrifying rash and breathing funny. Call me crazy, but that was slightly nerve-racking.
The upshot of all of this is that C.N. is now an extremely picky toddler. She’s outgrown her allergies, thank god, but she has zero interest in trying new-to-her foods. She can eat eggs now, so chicken nuggets are in, but will she touch that staple of toddler foods? Nein! I try to always serve a “safe food” with other foods that she’s not so sure about, so that she’ll have something she’s willing to eat, but she decides that she’s done with her safe foods on a regular basis and then she just lives on air and vibes, idek.
Girlfriend is so fucking picky that her doctor has told us to let her drink chocolate milk twice a day to get a little more nutrition in her. Yes, chocolate milk: The heroin of babies. Fucking ridiculous.
Sometimes I manage to sneak a vegetable or fruit into her morning muffin or her lunchtime quesadilla, and believe me: I savor these victories, fleeting though they may be. But my god. I’m genuinely afraid that she will give herself scurvy one of these days.
Oh, well: At least she drinks her choccy milk. For now.