Motherhood: Expectation vs. Reality
I thought that becoming a mother would make me a better person, but to quote Ali Wong, “I’m the same piece of shit that I always was before I became a mom, now just with more responsibility, and I’m barely rising to the occasion.”
Some things about me have changed for the better, it’s true. My house is actually cleaner now that I have a toddler than it was when I was childless, because when she’s playing, I’m scrubbing. Fortunately, I have a very self-directed child, so my house doesn’t look like a shit heap most of the time (just don’t come over when she’s been sick, though, because woo boy is that a different story). I also just manage my time better, largely out of self-defense, because even though she’s an extremely self-sufficient little thing, she’s still, you know, a child who needs attention or whatever. I can’t count on having set blocks of time to do whatever I want, since she could need me at any moment, so whenever I get a little burst of free time, I’m immediately running through the list of what needs to be done and then tackling whatever is most pressing. As a result, I’m no longer cursed with the indecision that strikes people who actually have time to dither, which I have to admit makes for a nice change.
But the downside is that I am so fucking dumb, y’all. Like, I don’t know if this is because of having a child or if I’ve got some kind early-onset dementia, but I just don’t understand things as quickly as I once did. I find myself rereading things more and more often, and my ability to synthesize new information is shot completely to hell. It’s not sleep deprivation, because my daughter doesn’t currently have a crazy sleep schedule; whatever it is, it’s annoying as fuck. I have to go back over things repeatedly, and I just do not have the time for that, because again: I chose to procreate, and now I’m responsible for another life form’s every need.
So as a method of self-actualization, this motherhood thing is a mixed bag. Yes, I am now a brutally efficient housekeeper, but I’m also dumb as fucking hell. It’s no wonder misogynists want to keep us pregnant and in the kitchen, because I couldn’t currently plot my way out of a wet paper bag. Thank god I love the baby or whatever, because this shit is rough.